in spite of uncertain times, I want to believe that the light of the future will overshadow the darkness of the past.

Even if I don’t know what’s going to happen with my life, or where I am headed, I’m still tired of thinking negatively and in “worst-case scenarios”. No one knows where the world is headed. So I HAVE to believe that things will be okay. Better yet, that they will be better than okay. What’s the harm in doing so? I have to let go of negative thinking and beating myself up for past mistakes. I want to be positive that there is a bright future for me, and for everybody. Negative thinking has caused nothing but fear and grief.

In the twenty-first century, I am exposed to a lot of paradoxes. In one picture I see a newlywed couple enjoying probably the happiest moment of their life. And then in another picture, we see families crying for safety from war. We see individuals traveling to Europe, parts of North and South America, we see famous personalities with there lavish homes and happy families, we see children reaching important milestones. With the fear of missing out….where are you in this picture? Then it takes a drastic turn…

Ever since my kundalini awakening in 2017, and my revelation of the twin flame concept that same year, my life had gotten more chaotic and uncertain. I was making decisions based on this belief that my soul was split in two. I had no fear of where I would end up. When what I was experiencing (known as synchronicities) finally reached its climax by ending up in the hospital and being diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2019, I didn’t even question what was happening to me. The telepathy stopped, and my mind remained silent on what path to follow. I was clueless. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I reached a dead end. I yearn to be the one posting the picture of my wedding, of my graduation, of me and my boyfriend taking a trip somewhere.

With goals complicated and shattered everywhere, I feel homeless, I feel left out. I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t find things as funny as I used to, I feel disconnected. I’m tired of feeling this way. I believed throughout my 29 years of life, I have accomplished nothing. I’m tired of comparing. So I came to the conclusion a few days ago that maybe I sacrificed a simple conventional life, a simple religious life that I see other people living for the attainment of enlightenment. I accepted that this is the destiny I chose before being born. The attainment of enlightenment is a difficult road filled with crazy thoughts and experiences. It’s not filled with love and light. That is the outcome.

Believing that some dark hellish place is waiting for me in the future is pointless. And the demon thoughts that drift in the mind constantly day in and day out don’t help. They have never helped. This is the cycle of mental illness, and it stems from my childhood. For me, it was a very scary, uncertain time period. I only remember hardship. During my teens and early twenties, I forgot the memories of my childhood, but when I retained them, it only brought pain. And with my way of thinking, in negative patterns, it only put me in a cycle of endless pain and disappointment. Nothing is permanent, a male’s voice rings in my mind.

Finally, I want to breathe hope.

i want to believe in joy without success or the need for fun.

So what now? Everyone is in the same situation posting similar things.

My goal is to experience life in joy without ever attaining what I see brings joy to others. I have been chasing it all my life and it has left me burnt out. It’s not meant to be like this.

What you believe will bring joy to you is unnecessary. So what is necessary? Smiling at whatever is reflected at you. The beautiful, the ugly. Seeing what brings joy to others, is my joy. Even if the smile is not genuine, just smile. The outcome of this practice is letting go of expectations of how your life is meant to play out.

As people come together in their homes, I realize that joy comes from simple connections. Helping more rather than just experiencing more. I’ve strived for connection, but it only slipped away. I’ve strived for success, but it never came about. I didn’t want to be alone. Now I’m left alone. I didn’t want to be goalless. Now I have nothing to strive for. Now the simple connection of staying healthy and staying safe gives me hope that I am not alone.

Before writing this, I woke up from a dream. People who have drifted away from my life were in it. They were closer to me than when we last communicated, and they were happy and healthy. I don’t know why I dreamt of them, but I woke up with a calm and sense of peace. Maybe it was a flash of reassurance that despite the sadness of parting paths, despite these fearful times, dreams can still open you up to a world where you can breathe in hope.

Waking up to the pandemic, I want to believe that I am not alone in overwhelming chaos. My struggles are yet to be healed; struggle for grounding, for financial and physical security, for love. And I have yet to attain things that supposedly relieve these struggles. Nevertheless, these are not just my struggles. My life is not my life. With what is going on right now, I feel that the world is healing together, finding joy and appreciation in connection alone. We are saving and protecting one another.

I want to believe that my pain is your pain, my joy is your joy. Despite all the shit I’ve been through, of what people are going through, I want to manifest a beautiful world even with very little.